If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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