DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
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