i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
there is glitter all over my balls
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