at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize