Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
