you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
