what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
