He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
