She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
