Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
