my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize