Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
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