I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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