Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
