Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
