Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
