Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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