had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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