i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
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