i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
