I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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