dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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