Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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