My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
