Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
