I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
