Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
