ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
