You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
