her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
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