his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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