im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
