Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
