Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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