totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
