Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
This is the prime rib incident all over again
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
