Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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