Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
