Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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