You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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