I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize