We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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