so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
