My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
