i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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