One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Randomize
