honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
