I just pynch a tree in the face
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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