I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
