I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
