I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Randomize
