I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
