New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
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