wanna go halves on a baby?
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
why is half of my head shaved?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
