you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
