There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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