He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Randomize
