I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Never underestimate the power of titties
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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