highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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