He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
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