Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Randomize
