sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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