Umm I'm too high to move.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
