don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
