i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
