Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
