Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
