look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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