I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
