Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
