My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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