How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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